Day 12 - Letting Go of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. ~Joyce Meyer.
Unforgiveness starts out feeling good, but ultimately costs everything. People who harbor unforgiveness pay with their lives. Bitterness, anger, depression, and physical pain are but a few symptoms of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is a type of idol that, at first, soothes our pain with the protective gift of hardness of heart. But, as idols do, they begin to demand more of us while giving less until “eventually they demand everything and give nothing” (Crouch, 56). In the end, the hardness of heart that comes with unforgiveness saps our very life away. (See this post for more on the topic of idols.)But forgiveness is not always easy. The pain, the injustice and the atrocities people suffer at the hands of others is overwhelming. I can’t even begin to speak about such things as racial prejudice, gas chambers, beheadings, or sex trafficking. How do people who have been so hurt, forgive? I honestly don’t know. My own experience is much smaller and it’s still hard. All of us have been hurt in some way and we are all invited to step into the stream of forgiveness again and again.I have had some issues in my life that required a deep level of forgiveness. In the process of therapy, I learned quite a bit! One of the first things I learned is that, in order to forgive someone you first have to blame them for something they did to hurt you. You see, in order to forgive someone they have to have done something to hurt you, even if they were unaware of what they did. Unless you can assign blame, there is nothing to forgive. (Note: You can only blame people for what they actually did to hurt you. Blaming someone for something because you were irresponsible or want to avoid accountability is not acceptable! You must discern the difference.) As you can imagine, remembering and naming all the ways in which you have been hurt can stir up the murky depths of the pain. At this point, some people take all that pain and spew it back on to the person who hurt them. While understandable (and sometimes necessary), this is not always the most helpful way to work through to reconciliation.Next, it’s important to remember that it takes time to work towards forgiveness. Lewis Smedes says “Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep…some people seem to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But, when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time…”Now, here’s the counterintuitive lesson I learned about forgiveness: Forgiveness is a one-way street. It’s something I can do alone and it only benefits me until there is a response that will lead to reconciliation. My forgiveness of others is not contingent on their response. I forgive the offender in order to be free. If I harbor unforgiveness, I am the one that is bound to the offender with iron chains but forgiveness releases me from those chains. If, after finding that I have come to a place of forgiveness, I then have the opportunity and the courage to tell the offender the good news of my forgiveness, their response (whatever it is) does not change the fact of my forgiveness and consequent freedom from the chains. “If the response is not what we hoped for, we can go home and enjoy our healing in private” (Smedes).Isn’t it interesting that God freely forgives us without forcing us to respond with repentance to be reconciled? Jesus forgave those who crucified him and there was no response from them. Jesus forgives because of grace…that’s it. He doesn’t forgive because someone is going to change their ways. His forgiveness is not contingent on our repentance. God can have an ocean of forgiveness for us, but until we repent and receive his forgiveness it doesn’t touch us. You see, repentance is necessary for reconciliation.In order for reconciliation (renewal of relationship) to happen, the offender needs to recognize their offense and truly repent. Repentance involves a recognition of wrong doing and a demonstrated change of behavior. Then…and only then…can reconciliation actually happen. People who have been abused by others may only be able to reconcile to a point. Just because forgiveness has been extended, recognition and repentance has started, and reconciliation is possible, does NOT mean the abuser needs to be restored to the same level of trust or intimacy as before.So, to recap… First there is a need to blame. Then, forgiveness is a one-way action that (initially) benefits the person who is doing the forgiving. True reconciliation can only happen after the person who has caused the damage repents and changes behavior. Finally, reconciliation does not (necessarily) mean the relationship is restored to the same level of trust.A few years ago, my husband and I experienced a betrayal in the business arena that caused significant pain. Since then, I’ve been on a journey toward forgiveness. Honestly, I hope this blog on letting go and the spiritual discipline of detachment will be the catalyst that will to allow me to be able to forgive.What chains of unforgiveness are wrapped around your heart? Take steps today to begin the process of forgiveness.“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis SmedesLewis Smedes is one of the best resources available on the topic of forgiveness:Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't DeserveThe Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How
